The Toilet: Part 1 [ergonomics]

Is the standard toilet as we know it a perfect design? I would be amazed to hear a resounding "Yes!" In fact, I would be much less surprised to hear a majority of responses that fall along the lines of "No way, man! Not even close…" But then why have I seen such little variation an ergonomic improvement in toilet models beyond the two basic eastern style squatter versus the western style sitters? I mean this is an object that everyone (with few exceptions) uses at least daily, and not too many — I would imagine — would be very happy having to live without. Maybe the lack of variety or enhancement in the ergonomic design has something to do with the idea that folks are too afraid, reluctant, and/or just plain unwilling to take on the task of reinventing the throne, upon which we place our bare hide and release our bowels on a regular basis, due to its… toilety nature. Nonetheless, while the standard sitting toilet is certainly useable, in todays world centered around efficiency and luxury, it is yet far from perfect.

Random uninteresting Youtube video featuring some insanely bad parenting...

Firstly, the standard toilet as we know it is far from safe. Just look at the image above and imagine having to take your toddler to the emergency room because (s)he drowned his/herself in the toilet. Once you stop laughing about it after approximately three minutes, you will probably realize how tragic that would be, which may or may not cause you to continue laughing with greater intensity thus confirming that you, like I, have no soul. The risk of concussions, bruising, and/or broken bones is also very eminent, especially amongst the drunk, stumbling folks who attempt to approach the toilet in order to let their lunch loose from the wrong end. Virtually anyone is at risk of slipping and suffering blunt trauma from the edge of the porcelain basin, but of course the drunks, seniors and infants lie in the high liability zone. Should it not be that our design standards look out for these people first?

But forget about physical safety. What about our toothbrushes, our jewelry, our phones (our children...?)? It almost feels like every other day that I hear about someone's emotional trauma involving an incredibly expensive phone being sacrificed to the far from benevolent god of sanitation.

Second, the toilet is lacking in the comfort zone. I am a huge fan of the winter season. If you have lived in the area where I am staying right now — Sacramento/San Francisco bay area, CA — you probably are unfamiliar of the concept of winter. Nonetheless, it is my favorite season (for anywhere that is not here), for so many reasons except for one: the god forsaken freezing toilet seat. On the coldest of winter days I dread having to make a visit to the restroom and revealing my bare behind and make contact with the icy polished porcelain in order to relieve the tension my bowels. If it was not such a high priority duty, I would not think twice about forgoing the task. Could the engineers not find a material with a lower specific heat capacity that is as archival and cleanable as polished porcelain? I know there are replaceable cushioned seats on the market, but honestly those never stay up — I think I can speak for all men when I say they are a dread for those of us who happen to urinate standing up.

...Stay tuned for the second half, which will feature some more b.s. about the toilet's ease of use and performance!